i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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