I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
