"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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