Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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