She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
