people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
