I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
