Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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