mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
