All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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