Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
