So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
