so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
