there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
