my mouth tastes like poor choices
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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