I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
