I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
