Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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