soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
