Quick, to the slutcave!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
why is half of my head shaved?
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