She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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