I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.