I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
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IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
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His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.