If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
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She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
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I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.