I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.