i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.