Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.