Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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