if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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