I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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