Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
