PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
