wrigley field is MILF paradise
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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