Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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