The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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