you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
