I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
