I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
