I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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