Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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