Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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