Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
