I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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