Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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