My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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