I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
