In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Pooping to opera.
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