Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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