how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
accomplished twins. life is a go
this just has baby written all over it
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
