On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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