if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
