I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
as a side note pls kill me
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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