my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
