I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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