Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
