I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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