Will you blow on my dice?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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