Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
