Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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