If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
