I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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