I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
