Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
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I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
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I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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