i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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