i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
