your thong is hanging out like whoa
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
